Seven Reasons I DESPISE Bananas

Hoy es Martes!

That's "Today is Tuesday" for you non-Spanish speakers.  Don't tell me I never taught you anything.  Now you know.

Remember back when I started this little blog? For those that don't have 7 w/D's birthday in your planners like me, it was June 30, 2011.  That was:

2955 page views ago...(holy sh*t!)

158 human written comments ago...(lots of spam, like 40 or so)

88 posts ago...(longest streak I have ever attained - yay!)

3 followers ago...(actual subscribed followers...)

All that time ago, I wrote the first post and promised you seven different sevens.  I recently checked in on that first post and evaluated myself.  SPOILER ALERT: I am not doing very well!  Take a look at the initial seven, I've crossed out my accomplished topics...

• Seven Reasons I Despise Bananas
• Seven Ways To Avoid Having A Social Life
• Seven Arguments For Boxed Brownie Mix (...from a pastry chef)
• Seven Television Shows You Must See & Why
• Sevyn Reasons Why My Name Is Better Than Yours ('cause it is...)
• Seven Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch/Listen To Rachel Ray
• Seven Reasons Not To Buy A House (maybe a point/counterpoint piece)

...yeaahhhh...

88 entries later I have ignored 6/7 topics that I promised to write!  I have claimed to have nothing to write about to my family and friends.  I now freely admit that I AM A LIAR.  I aim to fix this.  Some of these topics are kind of silly and not in the direction I want to take the blog, but I refuse to break my promise to the entire interwebs. 

Did you see that I wrote the fifth bullet point as Sevyn with a Y?  I am so clever.  I just amazed myself.  I'm awesome and way too obsessed with my own name.  Thanks a lot Ma and Pa, you created a legend monster.

In the spirit of keeping my promise, I want to tell you about my disdain of that yellow fruit.  I'd like to warn you, if you have never heard this rant in person, you are in for a treat.  I am very passionate about my hatred for this yellow "fruit".  I don't know why I hate them so.  I don't know when I started hating them so(used to like them as a kid) but I don't see that going away any time soon.  Last food around?  I'll starve thanks. 

image from here

Seven Reasons I DESPISE Bananas

• That damn peel & its stupid strings! You know what I mean.  What other fruit has a peel that is useless?  Oranges(citrus) have peels, but they are full of delicious essential oils and that magical zest that we use in everything to make it better.  Most other fruits have skins that aren't so damn nasty.  Just look at the picture, the peel is in full view and is just really gross looking.  Where do the strings come into play?  Why do they need to be there?  They ruin banana foods.  Yes, despite my supreme hatred of bananas I still cook with them and can respect their delicious factor to people other than myself.  But the strings bother me so bad, they get in between my fingers when I'm trying to chop a million bananas up at work and its not a pretty situation.  Ask all my coworkers, there is generally profanity and a colorful spread of it.  
• What the FRAK is up with the slime factor?  No seriously, can somebody explain this to me?  Open up a banana and its pretty dry(not wet?).  Then as it sits or as you handle it while cooking it or like when a kid manhandles it, it gets so so SO slimy.  Knives get this residue all over them and it takes some real elbow grease to get rid of.  Its nasty.  Slime + Strings = Worst.Combination. Ever.  I can't even talk about it anymore, I'm getting too worked up about it. 
• No need for all the colors, Mr. Banana.  They start off green and then morph into the yellow bananas people enjoy.  Next they start to take on freckles and people still like them.  The freckles take over the bananas and turn them completely brown.  This is where you make banana bread or banana muffins or just throw them away.  If you let them continue down their chosen path they will be black before they take on the various colors of mold.  Why do they have to be so fancy and flaunt all these colors and stages?  They are rude and boisterous and I hate them for it.
• Why so mushy?  I like apples and pears and peaches and they all have some texture and structure to them.  Oranges have the little bits that hold it all together which provides this texture variation.  Grapes, melons, and even berries all have something to them you know? You can eat bananas with no teeth.  I like my teeth, they have cost me (and my parents) a fair chunk of money, so can you blame me for wanting to use them to eat???
  
• The smell that lingers.  My coworkers and roommates laugh at me because I can ALWAYS tell when bananas have been used.  Even if they are put away and cleaned up after, I can tell.  Without seeing them in the garbage or seeing it crossed off the list I can smell tell.  Baking banana bread really lingers too but I'll tell you why I can't hate that and its all my grandma's fault.  She makes banana bread for as long as I can remember.  Its nothing fancy with nuts or anything.  Just bananas and a quick-bread recipe.  It has a texture that I love and spreading butter all over it makes it so supreme.  It is the ONE banana infested item that I can eat and not want to spit out.  Its a really simple treat but rooted so deep in my memories that I will always enjoy it.  Funny how that works, huh?
• All of the artificial banana flavored/scented goods in the entire WORLD.  Candies, candles, air fresheners, fluorides, scratch and sniffs, beverages, etc.  You can get banana ANYTHING.  They all suck.  They don't taste like banana, they smell so fake it makes me sick, and they are no bueno.  You know how upset the smell of real bananas make me?  This turns me into the incredible HULK. 
• Taste. I taste any food I make with bananas and every once in a while (every year or two) I try a raw banana to check if anything has changed.  It never changes.  They just don't taste good to me.  Guess what, that's my prerogative as an American: I can hate bananas for no reason(except I clearly have seven).  And so I do.  

If you've stuck around this long, on my longest post EVER, please pat yourself on the back.  You deserve that pat, ya'll.  Anyone wanna fight me on this?  Anybody have any other completely rational hatred towards inanimate objects?